The Unholy Alliance of Pork and Fish

Mode: 2-3 player
Hardware: Pans
Accessories: Jus de je ne sais quoi

Pasta for dinner.

I defrosted a pack of bacon, and and then chopped it up along with 2 onions and a carrot. Put it on to fry.

But that's not all. Pictured: VITAMINS! Mackerel in some kinda spicy.. sauce.. That is going in there. In another pan, I'm putting in some FUSILI TRICOLORE. That's Italian for 'Holy shit its got three colours, mother would never forgive me if she knew of my hedonistic ways!'

Next added garden peas and pre-made tomato and chilli sauce. I can't remember the last time I bought fresh tomatoes, to be honest...

But, as a token effort that is the culinary equivalent of sewing a patch on a primark shirt and selling it on etsy as an original design, I'm adding some torn up fresh basil and spinach leaves to the sauce.

And that, as the English say, is that.

Post-Mortem: **** This pasta prettymuch has everything. Vitamins, bacon, Omega 3, bacon, essential minerals, bacon, fiber, bacon, antioxidants, bacon...

Time to bust some chops.

Mode: 2-player
Hardware: Oven
Accessories: Cola

Survived the end of the world? Good. Me too. The big G told me he'd leave some special bitches behind or else the rest of you would forget how to cook and make videogames and shit. I said no prob I'd catch him up.

Here's a country I've probably never cooked anything relating to yet: Australia. Mostly 'cause they just have bizarro versions of British food, like 'vegemite' and 'weet-bix'. So today I'm going to use this 'bush tucker' spice mix on some pork chops. I mixed it with some olive oil, sage and black pepper and a tiny drizzle of soy sauce.

Applied liberally to pork chops.

Also to some potato 'discs' I found in the freezer. Potato discs sounds like the kind of thing Australians would invent to rebel against our pommie pommes frites.
Put them both in the oven for about 25 mins.

And finally, my signature salad, the 'whatever vegetables I have in the fridge' salad. Mostly spinach, but with some cucumber, carrot and spring onion in there too.

And there it is. Also had no salad dressing except salad cream, but that's ok because it goes kinda really well with that salad it turns out.

Post-Mortem: **** Good stuff. A little gritty on the potatoes, but they were a bit rubbish anyway. I am pretty generous with my ratings, I have noticed. I don't really think I'm all that, I just have kinda low standards to what I might eat. I once drank an entire coffee made with noticeably expired milk because I was too stubborn to tip it down the sink. Also one time I ate an A6 piece of card for comedy purposes. Those things would get only 1 star.

Keep Calm and Curry Udon

I'M SORRY, I SWORE I'D NEVER MAKE ONE OF THOSE PUNS WITH THAT LOUSY PATRIOTIC SLOGAN/EXCESSIVE MERCHANDISE OPPERTUNITY. And yet, I thought of it, typed it out, re-read this, and published it without fail.

Mode: 2-player
Hardware: Steamer, Pan.
Accessories: Iced tea would be ace but I don't have any because why would I, tea belongs in a mug.

This has been bugging me for a while, does it bother anyone else that Sainsbury's has a rice section, a huge pasta section, but no noodle section? You have to go searching in either 'cooking sauces' or 'fancy imports' section. Don't people eat noodles anymore?

Anyway here are the raw materials; some discount pork, potatoes, carrots, spring onion, leftover mangetout, and obviously, udon noodles. I peeled and chopped everything except noodles and peas and stuck it in the steamer for 30 mins.

Now the challenge is for me to produce some kind of curry-flavoured broth to cook the noodles in. (PS, like a lot of my entries, I have never made this dish before.) I started with a vegetable stock cube, and a teaspoon of mild curry powder, and added a bit of garlic, black pepper, cumin and coriander, soy sauce, and cardamom pods which I took out after mixed all the spices with boiling water for a bit.

Now, I had a bit of a technical failure when I realised that there was a lot of this stuff, and so I needed a bigger pan, and I doubled up the stock and added bit of tomato concentrate. And now my noodles don't seem to be cooking, they want to stick to the bottom instead of absorb water. I am feeling PESSIMISTIC about this experiment.

I don't know what it is about me and an inability to get noodles to cook. Five minutes my ass, I give that shit HALF AN HOUR and it's still pretty al dente!

Post-Mortem: *** Actually came out better than I expected! And yeah, I know I have the presentation standards of a 3 year old. But this is not a restaurant, and I am not a mature person. The sauce itself had a pretty thick, curry-like consistency, and a good spicyness and general curry flavour, but perhaps a little too 'general', like maybe I needed some nice herbs or something.

Fajitastic

Mode: 2-player

Hardware: Pan

Accessories: Cola



Back from badminton, today we make FAJITAS. Did you know that fajita is 20% more hilarious if you pronounce it like 'fadge-eye-ta'? Because it sounds like vagina. Man I'm so good at teaching you guys about culture and stuff.

Lube up your FINEST WOK. No second best-sies unless the best ones pending a wash or you lent it to someone and it MYSTERIOUSLY DISSAPEARED in which case it's a write-off, don't kid yourself. Loosely chop up chicken fillets, onion, red pepper and the obligatory spare vegetable you have around, mine's mangetout peas.

Here's my lineup of spices, notice how I'm sorta god-modeing it a little with a 'fajita' mix there, I don't know whats in that. Probably just more cajun. Go heavy on the oregano and cajun, and easy on the nutmeg and black pepper. If you have any chilli sauce, that's also a good plan, though don't worry about the dryness, that's what relishes are for.

While that stuff cooks, chop up some lettuce, cucumber and cheese, and assemble a force of relishes from your cupboard. If you REALLY don't have any, ketchup is always a last resort.

I like to heat the flour tortillas on the stove very quickly and gently, so that they go warm but not crispy or else they'll be terrible to wrap. Then the meat mix goes on, then the vegetable garnishes, then some splodges of sauce there. I have branston's 'hot chilli and jalapeno', and 'tomato, curryspice and peri-peri' Someone should really cut me an advertising deal.

Post-Mortem: ***** As that weird elvis advisor guy in Civilisation II once said. 'No complaints, noble leader.' Also dear Nando's adverts, take note: I just did a whole dissertation on mexican food WITHOUT ANY RACISM.

Salmon Balsamic Salad

Mode: 2-player
Hardware: Steamer
Accessories: Fruity Cookies

I decided I really want to get in on the whole healthy, summery salad-y type thing, since the weather is nice and that makes me feel like eating planty things instead of pies and cake.

I peeled and started steaming the potatoes for about 20 minutes, because potatoes take aaaages, and I made a sortof teriyaki type marinade for the salmon, with soy sauce, powedered ginger and a dab of honey and then put that in above the potatoes for a further 20 minutes.

I cut up red onion, lettuce and cucumber for the salad, because I'm ghetto and 3 vegetables is the limit before I've got more in the fridge than I may ever hope to use before it turns into a brown sludge at the bottom of the fridge. Mmm. Appetising.

I made a balsamic dressing, which was 3 parts extra virgin olive oil, 1 part balsamic vinegar, with a pinch of garlic powder and a drizzle of soy sauce. When the fish and potatoes were done, ASSEMBLE.

Post-Mortem: ** The pub across the road used to do a really good chicken salad which includes a very sweet balsamic dressing and a fair amount of red onion. This was not that salad. These onions are a bit too strong to eat raw, and the vinagrette is really bitter. I don't really know what I am doing, basically. But overall it was pretty alright. I just don't like bitter. Also in a bizarre twist, flanders actually claimed to quite like it. This is the guy who walks AROUND the vegetable aisle in order to get to the bread aisle at sainsbury's. Weird, huh?

The Maroon Amazon Cooks Spaghetti Bolognese in 20 Minutes.

Mode: 5 player
Hardware: Pans
Accessories: Speed Eating

Fear not, mortals. For there is another gamerchef such as I. A brave warrior known as the Maroon Amazon. (Her idea!) Together we beat the eggs of evil so hard even the chickens of evil could feel it in their nasty nests. of evil.

Her assistance is required, for today we, 'the gang', have like HALF AN HOUR before we need to depart to see Thor in the cinema.

Yah so, I didn't really mean to do yet another bolognese/spaghetti type recipe already, but I am not actually the master of all cooking decisions of everyone around me. Still, they say repetition is a good way of learning so BUCKLE UP.

This is the ACTUAL conversation regarding this image:
Me: 'Hang on a sec, I have a terrible idea that must be done.'
Amazon: 'Oh God, I was actually thinking THE EXACT SAME THING.'

(Special message just for Tobi: the joke is that it is arranged to look like male genitalia)

M.A. Is frying the shit out of that mince, while I put the pasta on a bit too early.

The red onion and mushrooms were chopped, and the courgette was actually GRATED and added to the tomatoey sauce. A beef stock cube, garlic and nutmeg powders were also added. Some of the sauce was added to the pasta to stop it getting overcooked.

Added some faux-parmesan, wolfed it down, and we're off to Asgard!

Post-Mortem: **** WELL, I think everyone liked it a lot. The bolognese was spot on, the spaghetti was a little unevenly cooked. Perhaps my multiplayer skills need some honing. Honey. Will the MAROON AMAZON be back for MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES? I don't know, you ask her. Probably.