St Patricks Day Cupcakes

Yes Yes, Irish stereotypes, the colour green! GIMMICKS.

Bite me, Internet! I made cupcakes. Did you?

Brewage

What's the greenest flavor? Peppermint? Apple? Lime? How about GREEN TEA? Clue is in the name, bitches. How do you aquire this flavour? Psh, how do you think. Take a handful of teabags and brew the strongest green tea you can.

The glace is always greener.

I made a basic cake mix as usual, then tipped the concentrated green tea in, added green food dye, and because those are liquidy things, dont forget to make up the consistancy a bit with some extra flour if you need to.

Could it be? ..PUREST GREEN!?

I even had green cupcake cases! Looks like I've come prepared.

Shamrocks for my real friends, real rocks for my sham friends.

Then I made some green icing (with more green tea and green dye) and decorated it with pistacios and glace angelica which is sortof vaguely in the form of a shamrock! ...kinda.

Curry Pizza.. No really.

Mode: 2-4 Player
Hardware: Pans, Oven.
Accessories: Water.

Sometimes you just have to try something.

I always like to be all 'It's alive!' when I add yeast.

The main thing I wanted to do with this experiment is have a go at making a pizza bread with indian style spices.

Gritty. Those afflicted with pica look away please.

I used my new blendermajig's grind feature to grind up some onion seed, cardamom and garlic to put in the bread dough.

Stuff was cooked.

I think I got some dairy free rogan josh or something of that nature, to cook with chicken and is that onion and cucumber I guess? I don't REMEMBER THIS AT ALL. This is what I get for not keeping up with this blog. What are we even doing here? Jesus, Valkyrie.

I lack the facilities to make it round. ROUND IS OVERRATED.

Here's the pizza base in the oven. Can I just say that if you've never done this, you should definately try making your own pizza dough. Home made bread is THE SHIT I don't know why it's always so good. But it always is. You could just eat that on its own.

It's cool only the whole internet can see.

Man, this curry looks kinda dry. I don't know. Guess I needed more sauce. I'd have done something creamier, but... it had to be dairy free, so yeah.

Probably more to Splinter's tastes than the ninja turtles.

Post-Mortem: ** The bread was awesome, the curry was sortof dry and oniony, I actually ended up adding some ketchup to it to make it a little saucier. Curry goes great with bread, naturally. Also, this is really more of a knife and fork endeavour in spite of me calling it a 'pizza'.

Chinese, Milanese, you eat frozen peas.

Mode: 2 Player
Hardware: Pans, Oven/grill
Accessories: Fizzy ribena

Paulie wants me to update so OK but this one might make the spanish people sad, so blame Paulie because I could have just been slacking off and playing games but instead I blogged this. Milanese chicken spaghetti.

Proper Milanese style chicken is a good quality home made breadcrumbed chicken fillets. What I am about to use is like breadcrumbed processed meat I bought at the corner store on the way home.

When you're paying for the ingredients, you fill up on salad.

At least the vegetables are fresh. I gots me some pepper, spring onion and green beans all loosely chopped. Meanwhile I jammed the breaded chicken in the oven/grill to cook while I make the pasta.

Sorry I can't remember what it was. Tasted like spanish food.

I fried/boiled/whatever them in a pan with some kinda spanish tomato and pepper sauce that I bought at some point. I boiled some spaghetti in another pan offscreen.

...Froiled?

When the spaghetti was fully cooked, I ran out of pan space so I combined them into a bigger pan to mix them together. Then I served that up with the chickeny bits on top for ARTISTIC REASONS.

Howard Hodgkin!

Post-Modern Expressionism: *** The spaghetti was pretty tasty. The chicken doesn't really go super well with it, though. Also, it feels like im eating a remix of every kinda food I associate with childhood, which is kinda weird.

Blend your own burger

So for christmas I wanted a blender... or a juicer... or... a soup maker.. or.. I dunno... maybe all of those things? So I got this brilliant looking piece of gadgetry right here.

Thanks again mum and dad!

But having never seen anything like this in anyone's kitchen ever before, one does wonder... well, a) how the balls does this work? b) does it work well?
I decided to make some mystery burgers using beef mince and whatever else I happened to have in the kitchen, that being a load of mushrooms and some red onion.

Kinda Gigeresque.

I chopped the onion just enough to fit it in the capsule thing, and then you take that, add a bladed cap, and use it on a pressure sensetive motor powered key like one of those electric pencil sharpeners. Well, here goes nothing!

Hey, is that strawberry yog-EUUUGH

Okay so... I'm noticing there isn't really any sort of power... settings... so really your options are 'puree' or 'never mind ill just use a knife'.

Remember that bit in gremlins?

The good news is that suddenly having the ability to neatly reduce anything I want into a colourful goo is... fucking awesome.

Whoa... they're holding together.

Well, that was easy. Now I just fry 'em up and all.

You figure out how to cook a burger.

Verdict: This is pretty wicked, but the downside is I really don't like the taste of mushrooms, so these burgers were actually kinda gross. Interesting though, they're all light and airy. One thing is for sure, this should not be the end of my strange burger experiments.

The tale of the perfect omelette.

Mode: 2 Player
Hardware: Pans
Accessories: Peach Iced Tea

So I had a few more turkey leftovers, but slightly less than I thought for a stir fry, so I decided to supplement it by making a bit of shredded omelette like a foo yung kinda thing. I'm really really rubbish at making omelettes that don't turn into scrambled egg, see, so I'm just going to make a really shitty one and then mash it up to put in!

WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?

...Except it turned out to be the BEST OMELETTE I'VE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE. Look at it, perfectly browned, perfectly circular... ideal thickness. CURSE YOU PERFECT OMELETTE! I CAN'T BEAR TO DESTROY YOU.

Not sure what I think about failing at failing.

So I'll just serve it all side-dish-y. Anyway meanwhile, don't forget to boil/steam some WHITE RICE to go with this.. stirry fry monstrocity thing.

hey look vegetables.

I chop up some.. ah whats in there... celery, carrot, pepper, possibly red onion, into some pretty small pieces and fry them up first.

Stuff and bits!

When the vegetables were cooked a bit, added the leftover turkey. There was also a bunch of like garlic and stuffing in there too.. thats cool though.

Oops I sneezed.

Then I add frozen peas and some store bought thai green curry sauce. It looks HILARIOUSLY disgusting like phlegmy baby vomit. But don't worry, itll look good when it's done.

SEEEE?

Post-Mortem:**** See! This meal was pretty ace, perfect omelette and all. Not really sure what exactly its meant to be, just food on a plate.

SOUP DA WOOP IMMA BOILIN MA TATERS

Mode: 2-4 Player
Hardware: Pan
Accessories: Cola.

A TON of leftover turkey from christmas in the freezer. The god damn easiest thing in the universe to do with a ton of frozen poultry leftovers is to make a really damn fine soup.

Aw, my spaghetti letters are all C's

Hell almighty, as if I can remember what the heck I put in this. I really need to catch up with all these month old entries. Let's assume maybe some chicken stock, a pinch of salt and pepper, a pinch of cayenne pepper, and a dash of soy sauce.
Then as you can see, I chopped up some bite size chunks of potato, carrot and celery. These can cook for the longest because you want them to go all soft and they are the toughest vegetables.

Corn o'plenty.

Once they've had a while to soften, chopped up all the leftover turkey into chunks, and dumped in a whole can of sweetcorn. Sweetcorn is wicked good because as it's name suggests, it adds a sweet and rich flavour to soup. Also you should totally try it on a pizza with some spring onion and red pepper WOULD I LIE TO YOU?.

Max capacity is when you've filled the little gap under the lid.

Oh right, I also had mmmushrooms.. which are gross but only use a few of them and they fill it out good. They'll taste just like potato. As you can see, it got to be a pretty tight squeeze in that there pan. I probably need to get some bigger wares. Now you leave it for like TWO HOURS, and then stick some part-bake bread rolls in the oven for a couple mins for the PERFECT ACCOMPANIMENT.

Tastes a little fowl. AHAAA. Pun by Tobi.

Post-Mortem: ***** Basically the perfect chicken soup. Except it's turkey. Soup takes a while, but its so low maintenance that you can just get that going on at a weekend or something and leave it for hours and you can't really mess it up, unless you like forget to put water in and set it all on fire and accidentally chop your head off with the bread roll packaging and fall down into a dumpster full of barbed wire and lemons et cetera because you used the stupid moronic excuse that you can't even cook soup so I imagined you dying.

Chilli'd to the Bone

Mode: 2-4 Player
Hardware: Pans
Accessories: HOT Chocolate.

Euch, have I ever mentioned how much I hate winter? You do the whole Christmas thing, which is cool, but then after that you realise that you've got like 2 more months of that shit, and then 3 more months of people telling you it's spring now, and you seeing absolutely no evidence of that because it's still cold as balls.

Anyway, this is LITERALLY the best thing to make in winter. It suits both the 24-hour narcoleptic level tiredness you feel, and the desire to cram yourself with searing hot and spicy red meat and carbs. Who would have thought the mexicans knew so much about european winter? 'Cause it's Mexican beef and bean chilli.

Baby button sounds weird.

Beef mince, Mushrooms, 1 Carrot, 1 red onion, and my super special ingredient, a tin of mixed beans in a CHILLI SAUCE. For vegetarians, you can do exactly the same but without the beef. You won't even miss it.

You won't be all 'where's the beef?' Because that's old.

So we start with dicing and frying the beef, onion and carrot, with a helping of crushed garlic in there.

Second worst hot chocolate ever.

Now I dissolved spices in some hot water to make a stock. If I can remember what's in there... probably everything. But especially these things: Beef stock, black pepper, chilli powder (depending on how spicy you like it) and yes, cocoa powder. Trust me, I know what i'm doing.

It'll grow out of the grunge phase.

Add the mushrooms now, and reduce this a little cause it's kinda soupy. You could start making some white rice now to go on the side.

Kidney beans, lung beans, um.. pancreas beans?

Now add the special ingredients and cackle ominously, but not too loud because that's annoying and we're trying to watch TV.

Second best hot chocolate ever.

Keep reducing it until it gets to a pleasing thickness. If you haven't got all day, give up at some point and just pretend its meant to be more of a stew type thing.

Stick it in your chilli con crannies.

Post-Mortem: **** It was a little soupier and less spicy than intended, but then some people prefer a mild chilli. It's hard to cause displeasure with a chilli. Does anyone out there honestly dislike it? Well keep it to yourself, because I don't know you and I don't care.

Some pics from Christmas Dinner last year.

So last year I decided to host an ill-advised early christmas the night before heading off down south to the family. All my awesome friend-buddies pitched in and cooked, decorated and provided entertainments!  Unfortunately, it was so much crazy excitement that I mostly forgot to take any pictures of the process, nor am I going to recipize with you as frankly there was loads of things. So here is merely some samples and ideas for you budding domestic food preparers.

Stuffing of pork and herbs for the turkey.

Raspberry liqueur truffles decorated as xmas puds.

Roasting vegetable kebabs.

Pigs in a blanket with chilli and parsley seasoning.

Fill-up Fillets

Mode: 2 Player
Hardware: Oven
Accessories: Cuppa Tea

Beep boop. I am Allietron 2000 sent to the future from the past (I'm an out of date model) to fill your brains with information pertaining to nutrition preparation.

Sticker reccomended for obscuring unwanted information.

Hydrate the financially favourable food granules by adding the correct amount of water as determined by the instructionals on the containerment vessel.

Also good recipe for paramite brisket.

Apply the nutrition granules into hand-crafted poultry compartment systems. Place in the food heating capsule for precisely 25-ish minutes EARTH TIME.

USE FORK TO PUNCTURE NUTRIENTS

Use as a part of an approved meal with regulation 4354 type green goods and starch discs. Enjoy at a level of ** or more.

Spinach, motherfucker. Do you eat it?

Mode: 2 Player
Hardware: Pans
Accessories: Cold drink

OK so we have some catching up to do. We haven't spoken in a while. It's been um... good... I've had a nice holiday.  I started some other things as you can probably tell. Now I'm going through my camera archives trying to find food items I have taken pictures of last year and trying to vaguely recall what the hell I was doing. Let's see how I do anyway.
 
This appears to be a pork, spinach and butternut squash wrapped in a chapatti.  It's like indian style british food done mexican style.

In case of emergencies, squash also makes a good melee weapon.

It's a pretty simple recipe with few ingredients; about half a squash, some of a bag of spinach, a small pack of diced pork, a big or two medium onions, a cheap jar of madras sauce, and of course the chapattis.

Make sure onion seeds, not tiny beetles.

Fry up basically everything, starting with the onion and squash and pork, leaving the spinach till later on cause its leafy. I think I put some onion seed in there.

If eating pigs is wrong, give me a sign less subtle than trichinosis.

The spinach and madras sauce go in, mm looks its all orange with green bits. Other food that is orange with green bits: carrot and basil soup, pumpkin pie with um... green bits...

SANDWICH DELIS NEVER DO THIS

I lightly fry the bread a little to make it taste good and not all mushy like the ones you get when you order a tortilla wrap sandwich anywhere in the uk.

Overcooking chapatti may lead to taco-esque wrapping issues.

Post-Mortem: **** Delicious! ...Probably. I don't really remember too well, but I suspect so. Looks like a winner.